Scorpius' Guide to Surviving Your Family
by ruan-san
Summary: Are you often the target of your family's insane pranks? Is your cousin a high-and-mighty prat? Are your parents' friends the most obnoxious people on Earth? Well, here's the solution to all of your Family problems. Just open this litle treasure in your hands right now- written by me, Scorpius Malfoy. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
1. Chapter 1: Your Parents' Friends

**Author's Note: This is just a silly little story I thought up. Just to warn you guys, this story will probably take a backseat to my other stories. It's basically like a little advice book thingy to help with dealing with a wacky family. There will be hints of the following pairings: Dramione, Harry/Ginny, Ron/Luna, Scorpius/Lily or Rose. That's up to you guys.**

* * *

**Your Parents' Friends**

You know those people that come into your house, talk nonstop like their mouth is a broken dam, their voice so loud its like they're on speaker, and they either smell of a strong perfume/cologne or some kind of food substance? The ones that, whenever they come over, you're practically locked in your own room all night so that the adults can talk? The ones that think you just love it when they pinch your cheeks so hard that it hurts for days? (I'm talking to you, Mrs. Potter.)

Yeah, I'm talking about those people. Your parents 'friends'.

It's almost like your parents went out of their way to befriend the most obnoxious people just to torment you. Sure, there are those few that are actually pretty cool, but the rest just make you wish you were old enough to hit them with a Silencio. Sadly, as that would get you into some trouble with the Ministry, here are a few other options you can use to get those people away:

Options 1.) **Ignore them.**

Be the good little child, sit back, and allow them to do as they please. They'll leave eventually. This option is probably the easiest solution- but also the most boring. I, personally, wouldn't try this until all else has failed.

Option 2.) **Imitate them.**

Talk loudly about the dumbest thing you can think of- preferrably a common subject they tend to bring up (i.e. Quidditch)- but do it in such a way that even they can't stand to hear about the subject. When they try to pinch your cheeks, beat them to the punch and pinch their cheeks- your choice on which cheeks you pinch, if you know what I mean. This option will most likely earn you a few enemies, but it's not like you liked them very much in the first place.

Option 3.) **Pretend it's opposite day.**

When your parents tell you to go to your room, stay where you are. If they tell you to grab the grown ups a snack (although I don't know why they would- that's what House Elves are for!), grab yourself one as they watch jealously as you eat the delicious RedVines right in front of them. If they tell you to help clean up, make an even bigger mess. If they tell you to show the guests the door... Well, that one you can go ahead and do. You don't want them there any longer than they need them to be. While this option has an increased chance of getting you grounded for the rest of your life, you have to admit it's tempting.

Option 4.) **Screw the Ministry!**

Do what I did when Mr. Weasley- or, like mum insists I call him, _Uncle Ron_- wouldn't shut up about the Chudley Cannons. I just whipped out my wand, and casted a _langlock_ on him. Who cares if you might get expelled? It's definitely satisfying. Of course, you could always replace the _langlock_ with a completely different spell _(sectumsempra,_ anybody?)- it's up to you. However, unless your parents are prominent War Heroes or just rich enough to get you out of trouble when the Ministry owls you, I suggest you stay clear of this option. Just keep this in mind until you're of legal age.

* * *

**AN: Review please? **


	2. Chapter 2: What Happened Last Night?

**Author's Note: Chapter two. If anyone has any ideas, I'd be glad to hear them. Anyway, tell me what you think.**

**Disclaimer: I forgot this last chapter but, I don't own anything.**

* * *

**What Happened Last Night?**

I'm sure most of you have a James Potter and Fred Weasley in your life. You know, those two idiots that think they're better than they actually are, pull pranks on anything that moves just because they can, and find that you are the perfect target for most of their stupid pranks. And, I'm sure most of you have also decided that enough is enough. It is time that you stop just sitting back and waiting for the next prank to get you.

Unlike most of my little snippets of advice, this one only has one option. This is because I well and truly believe that there is but one option that should be taken. But, I should warn you in advance that this little prank of revenge can get a little nasty. However, it is perfect for morons who believe that they're 'God's gift to women'. I call it:

**WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?**

Step 1) **Knock them out.**

Yes, you read that right. If you are of legal age, just a quick wave of your wand and you can move onto the next step. However, if you're not, you will have to resort to the muggle way. You could, a.) physically knock them out via, oh I don't know, an aluminum bat, or b.) chloroform- if you can even get your hands on something like that- or ether, otherwise known as "Starting Fluid".

Step 2.) **Obliviate.**

This step is really a 'just in case' sort of thing. Besides, it gives the target the illusion that they may have been so pissed (drunk, if you didn't know) that they can't remember a thing of what happened the night before.

Step 3.) **Mix it up.**

You'll need a bowl of sugar with plenty of stirring room. Pour a small amount of cold water into it. Now mix it well. Look closely at your new concoction, now take a guess at to what it looks like. If you don't know... You'll find out when you're older. After you have mixed it, warm it a little.

Step 4.) **Get a room.**

Drag the morons into a room together. Lay them on the bed- or the floor- in a very compromising position. Next, either vanish their clothing or just toss them somewhere in the room.

Step 5.) **The fun part.**

Embellish the room a bit. Get a couple of empty Firewhiskey bottles and litter the floor with them. Knock down some furniture, grab your now warm bowl of liquid-y sugar and smear some over the targets, and maybe on their clothes or random places in the room. You could even handcuff one of them to the bed, make them think they're into some really kinky stuff.

Step 6.) **Subtle teasing.**

Make subtle little comments for the next few days alluding to what they think happened. Ask questions like, "What were you two up to yesterday/the other night? I was looking for you guys everywhere." Try slipping things like, "coming out" or "kinky" as many times as you can into your conversations.

Now just sit back and watch them squeal.

* * *

**AN: Messed up, I know, but he's a Malfoy. Sadistic little bastards. **


	3. Chapter 3: Birds and the Bees

**Author's Note: Hey, guys, I have a proposition for you. See, I really want to write something- anything- but I can't think of anything to write. So, if anyone wants a oneshot, review and give me some details about what you would like to see, and I will write it for you. Yes, EVERYONE THAT REVIEWS WILL GET A ONESHOT! It might give me inspiration for my other stories. **

**Disclaimer: NO!**

* * *

**Birds and the Bees**

It's the conversation that all kids dread having with their parents.

"The Talk".

Yeah... No one wants to have "the talk". Truthfully, there's no real use for it. I mean, if you go to Hogwarts, you've pretty much already had an indirect talk, what with all of the older students practically going at it in the Common Room. And, even if you don't go to Hogwarts, you should already have a basic idea of what "the talk" consists of. In other words, Mum and Dad, we don't need you to tell us where babies come from. We already know. If you, like me, just don't have the patience to actually sit through "the talk" with your parents, here are some ways to get you out of that situation:

Option 1.) **Tell them the truth.**

Just go and tell them you know all about the "birds and the bees". A lot of parents will actually be quite grateful to be relieved of that particular parental duty.

Option 2.) **Correct them.**

Now, if the first option does not work and your parental figure insists on explaining all about "doing the deed", point out flaws in their explanation. For example, have you noticed that most parents begin with "When a man and woman love each other very much..."? Well, you could answer the way I did when my Dad tried to give me the talk. This is how it went:

"Scorpius, now that you're old enough, your mother and I have decided it is time you learn about the "birds and the bees" as she calls it," he said uncomfortably. "It starts with a man and a woman that love each other, and when they decide that it's time to take it to the next level-"

"Dad, I think you have your facts wrong," I interrupted. "First off, they don't have to love each other very much. Actually, they can be complete strangers-"

"Scorp!"

"It's true! Maybe they had a bit too much Firewhiskey to drink then went to shag the closest thing with legs. Things happen, Dad. And another thing, who says it has to be a man and a woman? It could be a two men, or even two women. Sometimes it's not only just the two!" I chuckled at his incredulous face, patting him on the head. "Nice talking to you, Dad."

And I walked away. You should've seen the looks my dad gave me the following week. Hilarious!

Option 3.) **Just listen.**

Who knows, you might actually learn something new.

* * *

**AN: Make sure you read the top Author's Note. Important information! Free Oneshots! All you have to do is review. **


	4. Chapter 4: Get Your Own Room!

**Author's Note: Dedicated to hermione-amelia-rose1479 for the idea. In case you haven't noticed the rating has been changed to T. Review.**

**Disclaimer: Do not own.**

* * *

**Get Your Own Room!**

Christmas- a time where family gets together, we bond, we have fun, and we get a whole lot of free stuff. But, then there's those times when things just get **way** too out of hand. Like, once all of the children fall asleep and the adults decide to crack out the Firewhiskey...

Not a very pretty sight.

Before you know it, everyone is pissed drunk and doing the deed in any available space. And, you know, that's all fine and dandy until you walk into your room and, there they are, people you're not even sure you know, naked as the day they were born, getting it on in your bed. Those inconsiderate morons are getting their sweat and other questionable fluids all over your brand new, three hundred galleon, green and silver _silk_ bed sheets from your _mum-_

Ahem. Forgive me. This is just a very personal matter to me. Anyway, here are some solutions to getting those idiots off your bed and out of your life.

Option 1.) **Scream bloody freakin' murder.**

Not only should that get the horny pigs out of your bedroom, it should also gather the attention of everyone in the house. Everyone will come rushing toward the noise, only to find you screaming angrily at the naked people scrambling for they're clothes. That should be sufficiently embarrassing.

Option 2.) **Make them wet.**

And not in the good way. If the first option wasn't enough for you, spray them with your most powerful aguamenti- or one of those muggle contraption called a 'squirt gun'- and don't even give them the chance to get their clothes. Make them walk out of the house stark naked and keep it going until they've reached the outside of your Anti-apparition wards. Make them suffer.

Option 3.) **AK them.**

Assuming you're really that mad about it, hit them with a Avada Kedavra. Make sure you don't get caught, though. That could be bad.

Option 4.) **Join them.**

You know, if you're into that sort of thing. You know what they say: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

* * *

**AN: Tell me what you think! **


End file.
